Monkey Boy

Latest Terrorist Arrest

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al-gebra" movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

MonkeyBush

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

More Bush Chimp pics!

Dangerous Sausage

Found this story on Reuters but I added the picture....unfortunately there was no photo of the "incident".

"German police have arrested a man on suspicion of murdering a woman with a sausage. Prosecutors and police said the 50-year-old was arrested after the woman's body was discovered in an apartment in Zwickau, eastern Germany.

They said she had choked on a Bockwurst, a popular large German sausage.

The prosecutors said the man had given a patchy account of events, acknowledging that he may have "administered" a Bockwurst to the woman. They are now working to establish exactly what happened in the run up to her death."

Can't wait to see the movie.

IDF

In order to foster mult-national, inter-denominational relationships Monkey Boy has decided to enlist in the IDF - Israeli Defence Force)

My IDF barrack mates...
....more mates.

Phony doctor gives free breast exams

Picked this up on Reuters:

"MIAMI (Reuters) - A 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor went door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering free breast exams, and was charged with sexually assaulting two women who accepted the offer, police said on Thursday.

One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said."

Now while you may marvel at the old geezers ingenuity or be sickened by the geriatric perverts tactics what you really have to wonder at is the stupidity of the two women who accepted the offer...who ever heard of a door to door breast exam!

Donkeys better than Wives

While checking my shares online this interesting little story came over the wire from Reuters. Titled "Loyal donkeys better than wives, says textbook" I could just not resist a little peak.

Apparently in the western Indian state of Rajastan the ruling party have authorised a Hindu language primer for fourteen year olds that states "A donkey is like a housewife ... In fact, the donkey is a shade better, for while the housewife may sometimes complain and walk off to her parents' home, you'll never catch the donkey being disloyal to his master..."

....but what happens if your wife waddles off to her parents taken her ass with her....

Election Day

I know it’s a bit late but 1st of March was Election Day in South Africa. Traditionally…and this year was no exception…election days are a public holiday…this is supposed to free people from obligation and aid voter turn out…but actually it frees people from obligation to drink, watch TV, go on picnics and at about 21:00 say “what the ffff…. voting over already, damn I missed it never mind next time” I don’t have the figures yet but I suspect poll numbers will be pretty low this year…it was a bit overcast and cloudy you see.

This is local elections and the choice of parties is pretty daunting. I made my crosses and it wasn't an easy task choosing with just under 100 97 parties. On offer where gems such as Abolition of Income Tax and Usury Party, Royal Loyal Progress and the party headed by Louis Luyt the man who f#$%ed-up SA Rugby....guess he wants to try his hand at something easier. All you need to get on the national ballot is 50 friends, two colour logos and R500.00 (about $85)...its true check here...so everyone with an opinion or an axe signs up. I really don't understand how the Americans struggle along with only 2 or 3 parties.

As expected the ANC (Nelson Mandela's Party..sorry Thabo) are well out in front on around 66% of the vote with the DA (to put it diplomatically a more Eurocentric party) trailing second on 14%. The final results should be out by Saturday but I don't predict any major changes or upsets. If you're interested the results are here but be warned this site is written in dotnet...you know the Microsoft thingy...and only really works with Internet Explorer so FireFox users are out in the cold....And I Thought This Was Supposed To Be A Democratic Process.

Oh yeah and 1 March was also BlogMad launch day. They have a fast growing and vibrant community. I have a couple of invites for the public beta so leave me a comment if you would like to be fast growing and vibrant.

BTW don't expect a quick reply...I'm off to the pub....cheers.

New Year Thought

Occasionally my comments maybe construed as chauvinistic. These comments are made for their comic impact rather than any chauvinistic beliefs I have. I do not, however, believe that man and women are the same. They have equal but differing and complementary roles to play in society.

My New Year thought for 2006 is particularly apt given South Africa's long association with Mahatma Gandhi and the fact that the second highest office in the land is held by a woman Deputy President Hon. Ms Phumzile Mlamabo-Ngucka

Woman is more fitted than man to make exploration and take bolder action in non-violence... There is no occasion for women to consider themselves subordinate or inferior to men....Woman is the companion of man, gifted with equal mental capacity....If by strength is meant moral power, then woman is immeasurably man's superior....If non-violence is the law of our being, the future is with women...Mahatma Gandhi

I believe that Africa and more specifically South Africa will become leaders in the implementation of this philosophy. Hopefully in time more countries will benefit from Gandhi’s views notably any country that is currently involved in conflict such as the United States of America.

What do you think?

Where's Santa

If Santa's a bit late this year I guess he's just struggling with Rudolph.

Bank Robbery

My friend Henry over at The Fool's Progress has just been robbed - by his bank. Sure they didn't use guns and force but they took money from him that he worked for and they didn't. My computer consulting company makes money out of selling time so I totally understand fair pay for fair effort and a R5000 "interest cancellation fee" for paying off your mortgage early does not meet my "fair pay for fair effort" criteria.

I don't know if being ripped off by banks is a global phenomenon or a uniquely South African one.....but it SUCKS. I am with Standard Bank and they rob me a little bit at a time. I’ll give you an example:

The other day I used my savings account to purchase a gift. I think that's what a savings account is for. Every month you put money in and one month you take it out to buy something (if this concept is foreign to anyone think of it as the opposite of a credit card...BTW my wife totally doesn't get savings accounts but she totally understands credit cards...go figure).

Anyway, when I took the money out I let the balance fall below R1,000 and the next couple of months didn't afford me an opportunity to add any additional funds. (I usually top it up at bonus and tax return times). Now the bank does warn you...but it's hidden somewhere in their complicated 14 page fee summary, that should you let the balance of a savings account fall below R1,000 they will charge R11 per month. Unfortunately they don’t warn you when you actually make the withdrawal. (I thought I was exaggerating about the 14 pages so I checked it out. Try it, I bet you struggle to find the charge on a PlusPlan account with balance less than R1,000. The fee structure is monstrous.)

My balance dropped to R272. I noticed the problem after 4 months and deposited more money to push the balance over the R1,000 threshold...but because the deposit was done on the 2nd I was still charged R11 for that month. In total I lost R55 of R272 or 20% of my capital. Interestingly when I withdrew the money they used the balance on the last day of the month to trigger the fee but when I deposited the money they used the balance on the first of the month to trigger the fee. This is patently UNFAIR.

If you query at the bank the answer is "it's Policy" or "it’s in the contract". While legally these arguments may stand they do not make it RIGHT.  It’s not as if Standard Bank don’t make money from me already. I have a cheque account, a credit card, 2 mortgages and a share trading account with them. All my businesses’ bank accounts are with them as well as my wife’s personal accounts and car finance. We have insurance through Liberty Life, their sister company, and unit trusts with StanLib, a joint Standard Bank Liberty Life investment house. As a family we are good loyal Standard Bank customers and....so I know we are pretty close Bankie-Boo but that still doesn’t give you the right to SCREW me.